How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
i want to cheat with him just to show his girlfriend what a terrible person he is.
Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
I didn't ask for a picture of your soft dick.
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
YET AGAIN, my financial planning for 2013 consists MOSTLY of eating chipotle as "brain food" and drinking Heavily before the Jeopardy contestant test.
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
I was basically just fingering myself and thinking about space.
he came over last night and we fucked with the great british baking show on in the background. it was beautiful
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
She totals her lexus and all she wants is to have crazy wild sex.
Randomize
