i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
My morning has consisted of lying in a fetal position, eating a whole tub of ben and jerry's, talking to my cat, and setting all of our pictures on fire. Does that answer your question?
somehow we got the entire party to start singing "ill make a man out of you" from mulan. needless to say, that kid had the best keg stand i'd ever seen.
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
It's taking every bit of my restraint not to go to the store and buy chips and cake and like steal someone's dog. PMS is so weird.
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
Burnt food and a broken vibrator. Disappointment after disappointment. Is April a man?
When they said they were gonna tattoo each other's gamer tags on their asses, I knew I no longer had a boyfriend.
I either have a problem or a really good solution... I just ordered my homecoming dress off of a website that sells forplay outfits.
Is it still sex if there's no nudity, no orgasms, but the neighbors bang on the wall and ask you to stop? I've honestly forgotten.
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