I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
i cant talk right now. we are trying to finish our homework so we can play with play-doh
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
I thought the one perk of the low caliber of men I've slept with thus far in my college career is that I would never run into them in the library. I've been here for ten minutes and we're on number three.
Had a student tell me he misses the old Four Loko. He's in 7th grade. No one is allowed to claim I started drinking too young ever again.
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
...Saturday night. Get your dick ready. We are going to go nuts. I want to have sex fucking everywhere.
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
This town reeks of teen pregnancy.
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