Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
i wish i could "like" people's thoughts in real life like i can on facebook
you can....by speaking....
Public safety found my id!
And i can't find my bra so i'm assuming they found my bra with my id which would explain the disapproving tone the lady on the phone had.
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
She's lying on the sidewalk wailing that she is gonna die alone, with hundreds of strangers watching us, and also we lost Kate, . Please help me
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
I hit on her. So did Sarah. Neither of us got anywhere. I swear she's asexual. Like Switzerland.
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
Fuck edible panties there is a dress made out of bacon
I'm just gonna go have sex with whom ever is in the men's room.
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
I'm worried about how taking care of my mom's dog while being on acid will go.
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
Randomize
