So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
watchout when you come home, dougs at the top of the stairs naked eating doritos
dude stop sending me pictures of your dick in weird places. i get it. you rock out with your cock out.
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
I think the exact words were 'I'd lett him to the weirdest shit to me'
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
IM BACK TOGETHER WITH MY BF AND HERE YOU ARE SUCKING DICK FROM 2009
Whenever a guy asks me why I like weird sex stuff, I just answer, "Catholic School".
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
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