Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
It's offcial there's a Bobby Light radio station on pandora.
Lowest moment of my life just occurred. I literally threw up all over myself in front of my parents.
I think I just found part of a tooth on my bed... What goes on in here?
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
My mouth taste like pussy and my dad noticed. Hahahaha
She makes him look at her naked pics before she sends them to someone she's actually going to fuck. I think this makes him mayor of the friend zone.
I think I have a bro crush.. When I imagine him, I imagine him waking up to go take a shower and just finding three bitches making out waiting for him. Like that awesome.
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
Randomize