so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
Who has a video camera? i want to look back on this one day and say OH thats why i spent 2 years in jail
It was so good the neighbors even had a cigarette.
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
I'm currently eating a turkey dinner, listening to xplosive by dr. Dre, and drinking rum. Hispanic christmas dinners are the best.
So the day after the 4th I'm sitting here drinking Molson and watching NHL free agent frenzy. From patriotic American to drunken Canadian in 24 hours flat. Booyah.
Anyone see the sob who took the piñata?
He said that I started crying after sex because he was leaving to go back to Europe after the semester was over and I wouldn't see his dick anymore. This is why I need to stop hooking up with the exchange students.
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
After the "sex" was over I dressed as quickly as possible. And then he came over to me stark naked and embraced me. For over a minute. And all I could think was please get your penis off my dress.
Randomize
