my orientation roommate looks just like New York of Flavor Flav fame
I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
have the fact that the early bird is danced upon by the prettiest strippers be your motivation
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
I wish I could but I can't. No beer pong or sex on a hammock...such an unproductive weekend
His parents know me as "the white shoed screamer"
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
Randomize
