At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
Found her laying down in a booth in iHop. She's a keeper.
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
Yea. I think between making the bride puke, feeling up the maid of honor, and sleeping with a bridesmaid. I did my part.
you think she would figure it out that ever dude that fucks her is just doing it bc they are in a contest to bang the fattest girl
He was having trouble staying hard then just stopped mid-sex and said "it's overheating" while pointing to his dick.
That was an excessively violent trivia night
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
My new hobby is moving his stuff to random places in the house. Good luck making a smoothing at 6:30 in the morning, the blender top's in the dog food container
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
I'm a history major and he's the descendant of TWO presidents. Did you really think I wasn't going to sleep with him?
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