The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
Oh, don't even get me started. Harry Potter is so pure. Twilight is just teenage girl porn.
He's prob getting laid right now and I'm sitting alone in my duct tape shoes.
It's 4PM and I'm finally awake.. I'm covered in dog fur and shame. I'd say it counts as a good night.
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
It's only been a week and i've already broken my no summer randoms rule twice.
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
I was to tired to jerk him off, so he made me hold it while he thrusted into my hand.
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
Not only did she fulfill a life long dream of mine of banging in a library, she bought me subway for lunch. I feel like I got the best gold star ever today.
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
the twins are trying to figure out which one is the one doing body shots off a janitor in this picture
Randomize
