We agreed on being friends w/ benefits. Lets see if that really happens.
Ok, so that was not supposed to go to u, my bad. I feel horrible.
Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
I don't think you have the libido for two women at the same time
I think you underestimate the amount of time spent masturbating
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
The venue for the new years party is close to the hospital for obvious reasons.
Her dad high fived me on the way out the door. Not the reaction i expected after she came so loud.
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
And that kids is the last time I ever try to outdrink Germans
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
Before getting out of the car, she said "Thanks for getting me off." I like how polite she is.
No I did a yoga dvd and hit my ex up via email for some pot in exchange for his mail.
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
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