I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
And there are taco shells on the ceiling fan
Yeah, he said he was getting "welcome back Winnipeg Jets drunk" then puked on his jersey.
1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow!
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
I still smell like men's body wash from that drunken shower I took at that stranger's home last night.
You told her that she shouldn't be allowed to wear clothes then when her roommate asked if you like her you said "no I just want to insert things into her"
I stand by it.
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
Last night you texted me "tqiirkykbg doe freedom always"... why?
I'm trying to puke quietly so i don't ruin my grandma's birthday/my graduation brunch. And you say i need to grow up.
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
Oh lord. I have no recollection. I just got up. Surveying the damage. Found phone with messages out by pool. Still have not located my top or determined when i stopped wearing it
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