i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
either way he was missing a nipple.
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
"Guy Time" translaed into 10 shots apiece and me waking up covered in my own blood.
After grabbing my boob for a couple minutes he then decides to ask me if I was awake.
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
I WANT TO. I JUST IMAGINE HIS BEAUTIFUL BLONDE HEAD INBETWEEN MY LEGS AND I BREAK DOWN AND START CRYING.
this hospital has no fireball
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
Randomize
