Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
love being home for thanksgiving just had grandma pick me up from the frat by her house
I apologize for getting really drunk, taking off my shirt, bitching someone out, crying, and breaking something at your party next weekend...
I want to be done crawling through windows but the sex is too good to stop...but I'm running out of excuses for where the bruises on my legs are coming from.
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
Hes trying to fuck me on a bear rug. Not saying no.
I'm not sure drinking my way through west nile virus is the best idea. Oh well, already committed to that plan.
He kicked in the door just as I climbed on top of him...and stood there. I felt like I was in a porn. It was invigorating.
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
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