She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
Have you ever had one of those moments when you kept whispering to yourself "I'm not a slut, I'm not a slut..."?
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
if I open my eyes, my head will explode. that hungover.
OMG IM A TIGER AND I LOVE ROARING
I agree though, his intact virginity is truly the tragedy of the century.
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
I think it's safe to assume that dad heard you lose your lesbian virginity last night
Her ex was at the party her housemates were having. He knocked on her door asking how she was while we were going at it. Turns out they were trying to work things out. Don't think I'll ever forget his face when we walked out of her room.
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
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