yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
just landed in detroit. Currently holding a bag of my own vomit. neighbor told me it was the most graceful vom she has ever seen. Kicking off bar exam week in style.
He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle
Since when is drunk an angle?
if you lined all their dicks up next to eachother, it would be like at&t bars
WHATEVER CLASS IS PLAYING "TOOT IT AND BOOT IT" AT 8:30 IN THE MORNING, I WANT IN.
Listen to me plotting my whoredom.
I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
Its the least I can do really, I mean, I did sleep with her husband...
if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid
I think I maybe realized he was too old for me when I went into his bathroom and he had anti aging face cream.
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
i just teared up watching channing tatum in drag emerge from the fog on lip sync battle. it's gotta be PMS. either that or something is realllllly wrong with me.
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
...this is why fuck buddies should be only for grownups.
Randomize
