im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
I puked a lego.
Are you going to tell your therapist we boned?
eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
We broke two of his toes while having sex. He laughed said he'd fix it in the morning and kept going. I think I'm in love
He is eating chips off the floor in the emergency room..
I don't think casual Fridays means I can go to work with dried cum in my hair...
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
Also, fucking on half deflated air mattresses is a great full body work out.
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
IT'S A GIANT FUCKING ROBOT, DUDE. LOGIC IS OUT OF THE QUESTION BECAUSE AWESOME.
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
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