I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
What am I legally allowed to do to a girl that is the equivalent of me punching her in the face?
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
She was moaning so loud as i walked out of the room her roommates gave me a standing ovation... i think they are next
I'm about to fuck a girl in an old school Tony Kukoc Bulls jersey. About to earn my third championship ring in sex
I feel like getting drunk at the airport is sort of a rite of passage into adulthood, but maybe i should reserve that occasion for a flight thats not just 1 hr
Hey, met you at the bar last night. You probably dont remember my name. You and your friends came back to my place, you shattered my window with your fist then dipped. Your gonna need to pay for that.
Thats where this cut came from! Thanks for piecing together the puzzle dude.
Get this. He's a red head and he works at country oven bakery. He will forever be known as the gingerbread man.
Pre-chapter meeting quote: "Why is there a bun literally taped to the shelf? That doesn't even make sense when you're drunk, who does that?"
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
You think he will forgive me for the paper being a week late if I bring him a beer?
...it's a 9am class...
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
I had the choice between 9 burritos and 1 girl...
And...?
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
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