He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
How do you think the people in my class would react if I ripped all my clothes off and jumped on him right now?
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
Dude, you were dipping oreos in vodka and asking people to try it, "It's so good!"
She stumbled into class and Google image searched nipple piercings for the entire 75 minutes
the bar didnt serve shots so jim ordered us jaeger neat. it worked.
Trying not to look at her chest is like trying to not hear a fire engine racing by.
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
My dream date: Hotdogs/nachos from the bar & tequila. Is that too much to ask?
LEAVE ME AND MY NIPPLES ALONE
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
For the record you're a very classy lady and your love for and mastery of strap-ons is amazing. I would gladly marry you and father your offspring
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
Randomize