I think your mom looks like a breed of donkey and elephant, but her boobs are perfect
My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
I'm sorry. I think I have multiple personalities. Or it was the acid. Either way. I'm sorry.
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
You had your shirt off checking IDs at the door and you don't even work there
Come over. We're getting stoned and watching DogTV
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
Is there a polite/non-lush way to ask how alcohol ranks on their list of priorities? Because like idk how to break the ice furreal.
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
He sent me a snap of him eating a tamale shirtless. I think I might be in love.
LOCK HIM DOWN.
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
The only thing I remember is the 300 pound man breaking ur railing from sliding down it at 3 am. Must of been a good night.
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
Randomize
