R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
I fukin lobve the states. Girls here let me fuck them because they like my accent. I may not go back
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
I'm sorry for peeing on your door. But it was your decision to open it.
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
Why do I have a bunch of cash....and your bra.
I'm on acid right now in three feet of snow. I NEEEED YOOOOUUUU
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
He woke me up because I was snoring and went for a second round. First time I'm happy that I snore
It would be weird sobbing cry sex.
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
Randomize
