Well we can cross off dogs, dating sites, and real life as ways to help you meet a chick.
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
I was hitting on her while she was puking ... yeah i was pretty drunk
Im debating on how to word my craigslist post so i dont get arrested...
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
Dude, I think someone on your skype account may have seen me beat off. I used your computer and didnt realize you were still signed in. Please tell me no one was on...
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
If we all have the time, and the weather permits, and you have no plans, we should have another go at Operation Get Our Carless Friends Laid. All the lonely people will be out. We can take our lonely people out too.
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
Dude I'm drinking alone and watching cartoons. How is it that someone as hot as me is doing this.
It seems I've entered my 21st birthday the same way I entered this world: naked, crying and smothered in someone else's bodily fluids...
Randomize
