I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
Yeah, but thats the third time she's peed on me.
i was trying to wake him up so i just kept touching his dick
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
Just saw a crackhead get taken down by pd in the canal. Its offically spring
Omg he's telling my parents stories about him doing jaagerbombs ... Lord help me
I promise it'll work. Just go there and keep the lights off and keep saying blaowww. She'll think your me.
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
I guess? According to Jeff his mom is wondering when the grand babies will arrive. So I don't think they like ME so much as my supposed functioning uterus
I'll check it out in the morning. Tonight has been reserved for getting baked and covering myself in kittens because THAT IS AN OPTION.
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
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