i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
I bet the first cavemant to make fire got so much pussy
Omg. Get me out of here. Someone is playing michelle branch.
I'm still reeling over the fact that you beat us all at Risk while you were flat on your ass drunk and falling asleep on South America.
Day 3. Will have to postpone job hunting by a month. May have blown out my knee. Was sunburned on Friday. Now look painted red. Still alive. All worth it.
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
we came into the house to find you doing shots by your self and when we told you to stop you locked yourself in the bathroom...
did I at least say anything...
you meowed at us and said you're a cat and cats drink for a living
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
there's cocaine on the ipad again........... was your sister here last night?
My apartment is also really close to an alcohol rehab in case I get out of hand
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
Tbh I’m not a vibrator enthusiast
But I am godly
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Randomize
