I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
There is no way when we get home that nothing will hapen
Hes far too high and trying to explain daylight savings time to me. Help?
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
She just stuck her hand down the strippers pants. Shit just got real.
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
He dislocated his shoulder trying to finger me last night if that tells you anything
Didn't think the day of being the oldest in a club would be when I'm twenty one. Even the bouncer looked surprised when he ID me.
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
I wish I just waited long enough to hate someone to fuck one
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
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