Jerry, you need to find god
Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
So Delta doesn't take cash. I used my card to buy a drink and asked the attendant if she could leave it open.
I dig being used for consequence free sex. Not consequenceful sex.
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
dude. you ripped the mardi gras beads off the girls neck and yelled she didnt deserve them..
Of course... Double fistin nati light cuz the powers out and it cuts down the times i gotta open the fridge... Genius
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
She was giving me head while we were in my tree house, my mom then came out to let the dog out so she stopped so I would stop groaning, was it good? You tell me
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
I touched the butt once. 'Twas an experience with the greatness of legend. So I touched it once more.
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
Randomize
