planned parenthood is perfect for picking up chicks...they all put out
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
i was quietly enjoying my waffles when he came downstairs naked, kissed me on the forehead, and thanked me for the night before. i didnt even know anyone stayed over.
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
Found her. Shes unconscious up against the room door. Her credit card is in the keycard slot
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
I'm with Tony. He said he volunteers his ball sack for waxing but you will have to wait a few weeks. It is a freshly shaved sack. I guess he thought he was gonna get lucky. Wtf?
Smooth sack
That's not your dick yours is smaller. Nice try.
Wait why do you have a pic of someone else's dick in your phone?
Not my type. One of those types that loves that they're educated, could drink their red wine and have an intellectual conversation and have a wonderful time
An adult?
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
People like you and me aren't meant to go this long without having sex
Randomize
