When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
There is literally a guy in my class with a gallon of water and a trophy.
Your lack of great college experience of margaritas and foam parties scares me
We woke up in the room with a hamburger patty on the bed side table, one bun across the room, and the other bun under my pillow. Still don't know who ordered room service.
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
Vagic. Defined as a kind of magic one has over a girl's vagina. Used in a sentence... he's an accomplished vagician.
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
she used her teeth again, but this time it was out of love
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