he showed me his boner with his cell phone light during the movie.
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
i'm so sad bro, I can't get any pussy. I'm so sad
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
am i so blindsided by his great personality that i'm hooking up with an ugly guy?
i thought you knew
Theres a high probability there will be two hot men waiting on you in your bed when you get home for lunch.
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
He also complimented my butt. High praise coming from a boob guy.
I'm glad there seems to be a general consensus regarding your ass
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
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