I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
What's bad is when she said "what hobo did you steal this dick from?"
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
And before you knew it they were calling me the pussy usher or something like that
I suppose I should wish you a happy one year of bumping uglies
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
You kept chewing on the empty milk carton and saying "kitty" over and over again. It was an interesting night.
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. She asked how my day was going and it got hard.
I want to ride his face like a jet ski
WE JUST PASSED A FUCKING SPACE SHIP! NOT JOKING! A REAL FUCKING SPACE SHIP! THIS IS NOT THE DRUGS! SPACE! SHIP!
I had to pee so bad that I snuck into the bathroom while they were in the shower. At her request, he was massaging her boobs so they could grow faster. Also there was a laser light machine.
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