we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
i dont want to stoop that low. but my dick does.
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
He insisted on us having sex while watching the biggest loser and asked me if I could "resist the temptation".
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
And then he said he wanted to "get really weird with me on my horse." I took that as he wants to fuck me while riding my horse. Could be a good time.
Naked and Afraid: Hangover edition
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
I just upped my southern womanhood. Taking whiskey and Kleenex pocket packs to the funeral.
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