i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
dude all you wanted to do was sleep under a bridge
She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
Our innocent game of 'Duck, duck, booze.' ended up not being so innocent
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
Bought asot tix too. After Saturday I'm gonna be reborn like Jesus and no drugs until edc
We found Mulan.
I thought you were in bed what the hell
You got a write up and a first aid award all in the same night. The don was impressed!
Whoever decided to put a Denny's that close to the strip club is a genius.
HOCKEY BUTTS AND BASEBALL BUTTS HONESTLY DO SOMETHING TO ME
Cause I know you wanna ride the D like a Vespa in ROMAN HOLIDAY
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
You cannot ask her to resend the picture of her genital tattoo to you just so you can show your room mate. it is time to end your relationship with the Captain.
Randomize
