i like that octo mom she is my favorite xmen
Is there a "Plan B" app for my iphone?
eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
Maybe you should have studied instead of worrying about who is going to have sex with you
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
How do you set tits on fire ? I swear her tits were on fire.
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
His status said "sad." of course I liked it. I don't even care that I was the only one. Facebook isn't your god damn journal, we don't care about your problems.
well I got an eye infection from a stripper motorboating me but overall it was a great weekend
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
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