mom and dad sent me an easter basket full of beer pong supplies again.
he came on my stomach and it was 1000 degrees in his car. i smelled awesome.
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
my vagina has been out of service for wayy too long... this semester needs to start like right now
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
If I am going to throw out this whole "born again virgin" thing...i'm not going to do it on someone who is less than 5 inches.
I pretty much just threw a bunch of clothes and my vodka in a bag..idk where I'm gonna end up tonight but I'm prepared.
He's coming over, and I hope he doesn't get hungry. I'm sure its not proper protocol to bring one booty call to another booty call's house for the munchies.
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
Would nail polish remover take gorilla glue off my nipples? We had a strange night.
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
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