Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
We were busted for public indecency in the back of my car in the parking lot. This time we were just reading my Cosmo magazine.
im pretty sure one of the guys i was dancing with at graffiti wrote on my back "you rock". now feel like a danced with a 5 year old.
You need to come back and get me. This is not a jersey shore party and he is not dressed as Pauly D and I am about one shot away from hooking up with a real fist pumping Guido.
it's been dubbed the summer of antibiotics
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
This teachers last name is pfister and she did the fisting motion to help explain how to pronounce her name. This class might be good
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
Yeah, first date. First take a pic of him to circulate around for your friends and than have him fill out a short penis questionnaire. Seems completely legit to me.
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
I gave her two orgasms and then we laid there and she ate jelly beans out of my belly button...that girls a keeper
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