Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
I never Thought the day id see a chick shove a 2liter up her vag. that happened last night
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
just took my birth control pill with a shamrock shake. happy st. patrick's day
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
studying for my Anatomy final and masturbating to Japanese porn are practically the same thing
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
I'm excited for him and his new girlfriend. I'm just going to miss his penis is what I'm saying.
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
Randomize
