HELP! I am trapped in a douchebag ad... full of Affliction and Ed Hardy. Seriously? is he gonna leave his sunglasses on the entire 10 seconds of this encounter?
I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
that's the nicest way anyone's ever asked me to send them naked pics before...
Also you were throwing your phone yelling this is durable as shit
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
Just got invited out of group to take shots after hearing her gay friend say "why would I give him my alcohol so you can suck his dick. It's going to be a good night
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
That girl is nothing but trouble. She's 40% red hair and 60% daddy issues.
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
Sometimes, it’s important to take a moment and kinkshame yourself.
He came into my room last night and started peeing underneath my desk, I told him the bathroom was the next door over.
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
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