I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
jess passed out on the pong table. it was depressing until we started singing shania twain an hour later and heard her muffled voice singing along.
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
I have the money I owe you for auctioning off your black thongs. Best 30 bucks ever spent
hes like my own personal sex toy i use him on the weekends and then i have the option to put him away all week
sweet sixteen by hillary duff just came on and i feel like i let lizzie mcguire down for being such a stoner
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
he's been 21 for 38 minutes and he's already trying to fist fight this dude over his girl
awwwww babys first drunken mistake
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
Saw a thong on the yellow lines of the street when I left this morning, are they yours by any chance?
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
He's a fucking ninja- think of the things he can probably do with his dick.
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
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