I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
is there an easy way to say "i didnt plan on sleeping with you until i saw how drunk you were" ?
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
fuck. I just remembered I agreed to let you finger me last night for solely for "scientific purposes"
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
The gay viking and his eqyptian 'queen' hooked up on our couches. They pushed them together to make a bed. Innovative, but awkward to come home from work to at 7 am.
This is why i like single justin better. my only regret is not being present for more of his short life. may he rest in peace
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
It feels like I was drinking gasoline last night.
Besides, I'm booked tomorrow. I'm planning on drinking heavily and crying in the bath.
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
The hump and dump is a beautiful thing
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