And now I'm afraid that I'm a pornographic eater.
The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
He's both a cowboy and a firefighter. Saying "no" was not an option.
Dude you of all people would miss her giving him a handjob in front of the whole party
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
no strings attached, like you could fuck him and then throw him off a building right after
Don't go to jail over some guy named Bunky
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
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