your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
FYI: if you have sex in your room with the light on, we can totally see your shadows from the parking lot
Your boyfriend has good rhythm though.
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
at one point he was caressing me in the kitchen asking me my name over and over again and then asking what my favorite continent was
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
As for the 14 hours of vodka. I am all that is man.
Just walked into the library with a case of Strawberitas in hand.. no one said a word.. I think they were just impressed I knew where the library was
But yesterday I literally met half his family buzzed wearing a cheeta print bathing suit super short shorts and a tiny tank top.. I was like awesome
I just peed on a rich man's lawn fuck yeah America
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
She had never heard the term "grundle" before. Classiest girl I've met in months
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
Randomize
