Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
Not me. I think "beastiality" sounds pretty classy.
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
Did I ever tell u about how my buddy fucked peter coors's daughter and made a tshirt that said I TAPPED THE ROCKIES with her picture on it?
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
I threw up in the darkest corner of the bar last night, then watched 2 girls freak out in disgust after walking through it. I then realised I puked on the dancefloor, took a picture and proceeded to send it to my mom.
Soggy bong water carpet is the worst kind of carpet.
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
Once again being low on toilet paper is forcing us into another round of our favorite game - toilet paper roulette - where there can only be 1 winner. Maybe.
Well I'm a full service fuck buddy so lemme know if I can get you food or water or anything
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
Randomize
