Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
Currently in a meeting. i am playing the not throw up game. god i hope i dont lose.
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
Pretty sure that Albanian broad gave me something last night. Now we play the waiting game.
Im going home to examine my vagina with a hand mirror. wish me luck.
The last thing I said to him last night before telling him he couldn't give me a kiss goodnight was pointing at his dick then at me and saying "this isn't working out"
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
Just put me in your contacts as coyote
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
Randomize
