Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
dude stop sending me pictures of your dick in weird places. i get it. you rock out with your cock out.
Nothing on google about my condom issue. However, if you get a chance google: condom with teeth.
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
im already regretting the extreme lack of break up sex that took place
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
Me and Phil are just drawing pictures of thumbs in different costumes during lecture. I love being a senior.
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
I seriously have her in my phone as "Legit 8"...even I'm surprised
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
I know how vodka works Grace. I'm drunk, not stupid.
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
Randomize
