Yea, forget your mom. She will be home after her one night stand.
I know right? mind you this is the same woman who told me when I was 12 that oral sex just meant talking dirty
Yea. The knew something was up when i told them i had to go pick up goat milk and and and a roasted chicken at 2 am
A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
I cant believe they held hands while getting simultaneous bjs
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
Felt so good this afternoon, figured I wouldn't have a comedown. Wrong. Just realized I've been staring at a wall for 40 minutes contemplating the color yellow.
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
2015 is a year for health and mental stability and alas we are not yet there so yolo
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
I might be a bit late, couldn't find my pants and had to go to the police station. Unrelated
Soooo you're telling me you support us groom's men giving lap dances to willing patrons?
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
Randomize
