At least I can take solace in the fact that with 8 billion some odd people in the world, at least one of them is shitting in their own car right now.
I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
my roommate and her friend got reaallllly high last night and it looks like they played scrabble. one of their words is "nippal"
Yeudjkisdjxbfceryuj. i love having a qwerty keyboard just so i can do that.
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
I'm basically a mama hen. I keep them warm and let them wonder around the house. not to mention, I keep eye on them just in case the falcons around the house try to snatch them away.
I don't even know what to say right now
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
Randomize
