That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
I managed to fit my wallet, my keys, my phone, Tammy's necklace, and $38.50 all in my bra. and $1.50 is in quarters. go me.
ill be fine wheb you get back. I'm gunna do real world things like washing the dishes. having to perform serious tasks brings you down.
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
I made him dress me after we fucked. He put me in TMNT pants and then told me I looked hot.
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
She asked how comfortable I was with her while we were in the shower. She then proceeded to pee in said shower.
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
Do not, I repeat, DO NOT uncuff him no matter how much he begs. He knows what he did.
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
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