I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
I believe nudity is frowned upon at that establishment
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
And for those of you keeping score at home this is the 7th time I've found Casey passed out head first in a bowl of chips at a party I didn't even know she was at
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
we're like the harlem globetrotters of underage drinking
I'll just tell you, some how when we were having sex on Friday my collarbone got fractured.
Clearly I'm trying to change the world one fuck at a time
you DO IT for the people
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
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