Watching marley and me... this girls got me whipped man
The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches.
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
Some guy just drank alcohol from me shoe..I think he's had enough..
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
I woke up to my one night stand and he said, "now that's the one to beat"
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
I think I blacked out after I decided drinking alone on the trailered jetskis was a good idea
Guess who has two thumbs and broke her boyfriends dick?
It's not a funeral, it's a celebration of life. Going commando AND braless is really just honoring him!
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
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