Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
Ian has mac and cheese all in his bed/on the wall. Either you did it or he fell asleep with a bowl in his hand and spasmed in his sleep.
Cooked or uncooked?
He told me about his girlfriends trust issues during our post sex spooning
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
The girls we hooked up with were hammered, pushing each other in a shopping cart into the sushi place and through the restaurant... One's a volunteer EMT. God help her patients.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
he busted into the room with single cheese slices and started yelling "THROW SOME CHEESE ON THAT BITCH"
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
So how does one go about leaving their family vacation to hang out with someone they met on tinder
I don't work there anymore. If they had Prince themed dildo parties i never would have quit
I fuckin love you!
I would reciprocate the feeling if i knew who this was.
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
Randomize
