I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
I may only be a second year med student but I feel very confident in calling that a micropenis.
Had to awkwardly dig through all my fake ID's to get my real one so I could vote.......Model citizen over here.
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
The bartender just hugged us goodnight. I think we go there too often.
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
there's still three solo cups of your puke in my basement. so that needs to be solved at some point.
1) I'm a decent drunk texter. 2) My world is spinning. 3) I'll give you a dollar and a hug for a glass of water. 4) I love you. 5) Example: your penatrive ways are overwhelming my alternative lyfestyle. 6) That is all.
7) Noodle arms: engage
The example was me just using big words while hammered. You're welcome. Ambidextrious. I spelled it right.
Any recommendations for how to tell your wife about the pics of her 19 yr old sister on a porn site without admitting you were surfing said porn site?
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
WTF I can't even get a boyfriend here and you're getting nudes from across the country
Randomize
