he wrote Vegans should suck on cow dick on her wall with permanent marker. thats how he got the black eye
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
I guess at this point I should stop judging guys on their looks and more on their major and trust fund. Growing up sucks.
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
He's used the term "balls deep" 3 times in the first hour. Thanks a lot, Plenty of Fish.
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
I think it would be reallllly cool if you took your best friend to work so she doesnt have to have an awkward cab ride with the driver she drunkenly made out with last night ...
It wasn't a great time! You grabbed me, picked me up, and make me pee in the sink!
Oh my god I found my bf's erotica
OH MY GOD HE WROTE THIS EROTICA.
OH MY GOD THIS IS GOOD EROTICA.
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
Would it be weird if I bought knee pads and shin guards to fuck in my car?
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Randomize
