Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
Why the hell does jager make you get to the point of having to army crawl around cause you cant feel your legs and scream jaga bombs when puking??
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
swears the blind dude on this train is faking. Every day he stumbles and falls into a different girl's lap and then has to grab her tits to steady himself.
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
Right before we were going to have sex he said it was his "lucky condom" I don't know if that means its used or what.. But I'm freaking out either way.
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
Rainbow fish was a wild success, got wasted at 6 gave away most my scales and made out with max from where the wild things are.You'd be so proud
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
Had sex outside for the third time last night. Mosquito bites all over my ass, and i think i have a rash on my nipples. When will i learn.
Just wait till winter
I just want to nap all the time and eat Chinese food.
I think i got beer on your cat.
Randomize
