i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
Her roommate "grounded" her because she drunkenly tried to fill their fish tank with vodka
Just paid off my possession ticket on 4/20. Helloooo awesome.
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
I was his one phone call from jail and I hung up on him. He's fine though were gonna go to a party now.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
A relationship is waiting for him to fall asleep so you can cum (finally!) while watching porn
No, he wouldn't have sex with me....but on the brightside I managed to fit the entire falafel sandwhich in my purse!!
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
God, I missed his penis.
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
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