remember when jerking off was fun and not a neccesity
im so glad i don't have to work tomorrow. I'm spendin all night on the new call of duty.
Wow. That's the gayest thing you ever said.
Look man i'm staying in playing videogames and growing a beard. Its not like i'm trying to get a girlfriend.
you googled "nude photos of celebrities you wouldn't expect to have nude photos", puked into the beer bong, and then laughed
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
Less talking, more tequila
the last guy with this job had a bookshelf fall on him. He's in the Er. Im high and they gave me his shift. How do you think i feel?
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
I mean I want to go somewhere. I just don't want to put on pants or behave.
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
So is it weird that I am super excited for my new captain america clit ring... Or is my crotch getting too patriotic
In case you're wondering... Yes walmart will judge you for buying vodka and pickles at 645am.
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
I just saw a guy faceplant off a unicycle while holding a saxophone, while his buddy riding another unicycle and sporting a flute rode by laughing
Only at UConn...
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
Randomize
