Yeah and Nick is shooting his loaded 9mm in his backyard.
He disabled his match.com account in front of me
trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
I cannot take someone's straight and gay virginity in one threesome. It's just too much responsibility.
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
My dad just said "fuck circus"
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
Your the only person I know that needed stiches after a Monday morning conference call. How are you in your 20s? How
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
I texted her mom a picture of us doing it saying "I'm trying to make your daughter just like you!" she was not amused.
Randomize
