Lets drop out of school and be professionally skinny and drunk
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
Our professor just said "No class today, go get stoned." A guy seriously walked over and hugged him.
Why do I feel like I'm not the only one drinking to make my night class teacher look better?
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
As per my father's affair, married men are no longer off limits.
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
you reached into a lemon drop to pull out a lemon of someone else's drink..
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
Is it sad that I planned a a romantic trip to dunkin donuts for and with myself on Saturday, then added an equally romantic after midnight stroll through the half off candy sale? I find that worthy of adding a few cats to my collection agree?
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
All I can remember from last night was eating nutella and touching myself to Weird Science.
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
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