Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
on the way home I asked you what exit we get off at and your answer was "just like the goldfish"
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
shit went down at the bar when this girl with 'morals' totally cock blocked a married guy. she actually kicked IN the bathroom door when they were fucking in there. then we all did shots.
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
It was all going fine until I had to chug that strawberita bud light. That really ended badly.
We told you to act sober so to prepare yourself you started doing squats and stretching then you slapped yourself and walked in
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
Don't send me pics of cunning dicks while I'm eating potato chips
The covid immunization shot lady also sold me a mondo bag of really good pot.
Randomize
