i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches.
It could have went better. They kicked us out of the casino and I drunkenly whipped her across the face with a fishing pole. Long story.
Well, that's a 3 inch weight lifted off of my vagina
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
i just found my fake in the snow. LIFE IS AWESOME
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
I got inside last night via doggy door
1 fuck you 2 fuck her 3 ur forgiven 4 im breaking up with her
Drunk sex on a hardwood floor is never ever a good idea. Lesson learned.
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
you were peeing in her backyard and some dude came outside and looked at you and was like "thats not a pee spot" and you said "well it is now" then i joined you. Forever poppin squats <3
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